Individuals coming back from
combat are naturally going to have some behaviors that are carryover from what it takes to survive in a combat zone.
It is probably not possible to survive such an experience without developing some combat stress reactions. It
is also not reasonable to expect that after you have been in that hyper-vigilant mode for many months, that you would immediately
‘downshift’ just because you got on an airplane and flew home. Take a look at the ‘Downshifting
after traumatic events’ fact sheet included here. Some behaviors may require a little help in resolving
and some will gradually subside over time. The hyper-vigilant mode, or you might say ‘combat mode,’
sometimes leads people to be more irritable, isolate themselves, and get into arguments.
Often the person who was in the irritable
state is unaware at first, but then later realizes or apologizes for their behavior. But what if you all
had an agreement in advance, that it would be ok for another family member to ask in a loving manner if the person is ‘in
combat mode?’
If you decide to use the ‘Honey are you in combat mode?’ tool in your home, the
agreement should be made with all family members present. Your agreement would be that if anyone feels
that the returning veteran is being unusually hard to get along with, that person can ask in a loving respectful tone of voice,
“Honey are you in combat mode?” or “Dad are you in combat mode?”
The veteran’s part of the agreement
is that if anyone asks this question, his/her part of the agreement is to stop and thoughtfully ask him/herself if they are
perhaps in that irritable mode. The question has to be asked in a loving tone of voice and as a question,
not an accusation. If the veteran thoughtfully considers the question and feels that his/her behavior
was reasonable, then it is ok to say calmly, “No I don’t think I was.”
I realize that sometimes kids will challenge
their parents to see what they can get away with (this is pretty normal). Therefore, if the adult thoughtfully
decides that he/she was reasonable, then it is ok to continue the discussion. However, if you realize that
you were acting in an angry or hyper-vigilant mode, then you need to own that and take some time to calm down.
